At least once a week I have someone say, "Melissa, why haven't you updated your blog" I normally laugh it off and make some excuse that I have been busy or have nothing to update, but I have to stop lying to myself and everyone else. The truth is, I got so bitter about my situation that I had no drive to write and felt I had no reason to be positive.
I believe my last post took place before things started going Topsy turvy on me. I found myself back in the hospital with a leaky brain for about 8 days, that really sucked the life out of me, literally. I was doing a little better and then a week later I was back in for another 7 days for more complications. That my friends is when the spirit many of you said you admired, died. For once I couldn't control my situation, I couldn't fix myself. I started questioning my own strength and started to feel like I had made a mistake in my decision. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying any of this for pity..... I became angry, bitter, miserable. I snapped at everyone, I was a miserable person to be around and quite frankly, I gave up. I started to see my body change, for the worse, I was no model before! But for 8 weeks I was on steroids, and started taking neurontin and needless to say, the pounds packed on. Before I knew it I was 30 lbs heavier and on complete restriction, I couldn't even lift a gallon of milk. So...I gave up.
I went back to work in April, and put on a fake happy face for those around me. What they didn't know was I was still in so much pain I couldn't function and I was hurting so bad on the inside that I cried, a lot. I started pushing everyone away from, my friends and my family, worse, Ryan. I had an attitude there was nothing anyone could do to change it. I was angry. Work was rough, i wasn't recovering. I wasn't the Melissa that I used to be. Which was the exact reason I wanted to have the surgery, Melissa was fading, my life was pain, where did I go? Then I find myself falling even more away from who I am? It was harder than I could even describe. It was a dark period.
Then...I woke up. It was like I have watched my life happen for the last 9 months, it just passed me by. I was asleep on the inside, I was numb to everything, I felt nothing. It finally took a trip to open my eyes. We went to Punta Cana in September for our anniversary, as well as mom and dads and Sally came along to celebrate, cause hey, I survived. I'm on this amazing vacation, reliving my honeymoon, and I am miserable. I wouldn't let anyone take a picture of me, and worse yet, I fought everyone, the whole time. Towards the end of the week, Ryan finally just, yelled at me. Said, where are you? Where have been? And that is when I woke up. I wouldn't be ALIVE if it wasn't for my friends and family that held my hand and stayed with me through this. And yea, a lot of CRAP happened along the way, but I finally realized that there is so much more to life then the little petty things that stop us in our tracks. I was trapped inside my own body and watching my world just go by....Yes I have been married a year but most of that year, I was not much of a wife....I can't live like that anymore.
So...I guess I am back, no, let me rephrase. I am back, mind, body and soul. (Well ok in all reality I'm only 90% in the whole body thing, there is still 30lbs of steroids and neurontin that need to go away but baby steps). I forgot how much writing made me feel better....
Yes, I still have a big brain. Yes I still have my pain days. And YES I am alive and ready to start my life and future, because each day is a gift and we must remember that we were given this gift. So, what are you going to do with yours?